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Dear Therapist Mike
(J. Michael Mize M.Ed.,
L.P.C.)
State Certified School Counselor, employed in public schools.
State Licensed Professional Counselor with private practice in therapy.
Dear Mike,
What age do you recommend a mother tell her children there is no Santa Claus? My
daughter is eight years old and still believes in him. Isn't she getting too old?
Santa's Helper
Dear Santa's Helper,
A child eight to nine years of age is psychologically developed enough to distinguish
between reality and fantasy. Helping your daughter understand the historical story
behind St. Nick or explaining the giving spirit could be good transition activities.
The loss of the belief in Santa Claus does not mean the loss of innocence or the end of
one's childhood.
A parent becoming involved in this transition can help it become a shared learning
experience. Understanding the true meaning of the Christmas season , as her
family believes it, will allow your daughter to become a greater participant in the
planning and family festivities next year.
My daughter, at age nine, told me in a whisper, "I know there is not a Santa
Claus. My cousin Jennifer told me so. I still like the idea, so keep the
Santa presents coming."
She is 23 years old now and got a present from Santa this year. Her comment as she
opened the present, "Santa, he never forgets."
She smiled at me and said, "Thanks, dad."
Dear Therapist Mike,
There are several men that I've been friends
with for a long time. The last few years I've
given them gifts. My husband gets upset whenever I mention it. This time he
threatened to leave me if I did. Isn't
this carrying things too far? I don't
understand why he should be so upset.
Confused
Confused,
I see several things you must answer first. First: Why did you just start
giving presents to these men in the last few years? Did something change? Second:
What has changed between you and your husband, from your husbands point-of-view, in the
last few years?
Your change in giving the presents, his change in reaction, or the change in your life
together as a couple holds the true key to keeping this relationship together.
Until you find the root to this problem you must answer one question; Is giving the gifts
to your men friends more important than your marriage? If not, stop the gift giving
and focus on the relationship with your husband before you branch. Professional
marriage counseling may help you find the root to this serious situation. It is not
a husband problem but a couples/partnership problem.
Dear Mike,
We have raised four children who are now married with their own families. I want to
adopt a baby. My husband is 52 and I am 49. All of our friends and children
keep telling us we're too old. Should we listen to them
or do what our hearts tell us?
Baby Blues
Baby Blues,
Your child's high school graduation will be when you are 70 and 66
years old. Will you be ready to put a child through collage for the following four
years at that age? I know you have had these statistics thrown in your face by
everyone. I am sorry to be a broken record but these are the physical and monetary
facts you must plan toward.
You know your heart better than anyone else. If you are comfortable with these
outcomes adopt. Many older children are in foster homes or orphanages. You
could adopt an older child that needs you just as much as a baby. You would be able
to enjoy an addition to your family and not have as many worries about health and
retirement concerns. Plan with your mind and follow your heart. Good luck in
planning your family.
Dear Therapist,
I'm afraid I might be sick. Everyone
has always told me you can't love, really
love, more than one man. There are four men I feel deeply in love with. Two of
them I feel a little more love for than the others. What is wrong with me? Why
don't I love just my husband? Sometimes
I wish life was such to where I could be a wife to all four! Am I sick?
Confuzed
Dear Confuzed,
There are different levels of love and friendship. It is hard for one person to be
everything to another person. You can love many people. The problem comes from
the fact you are married. Your marriage commitments or how your feelings will make
your spouse react are just a few of the inherent problems of what you are suggesting.
You need to understand your feelings first. Are your feelings of different levels of
casual friendship, intimate friendship, and where does your physical emotions draw you?
To comment on your first statement, "I'm afraid I might be sick,"
I agree you will feel torn in so many directions by morals, religion, friends, marriage
commitments, and your fantasies about being married to all of them. You will feel
pulled in many directions. Most people have a difficult time maintaining one
intimate relationship for long periods of time.
Please do not act on your feelings until you discuss your confusion with your pastor,
rabbi, or a professional counselor as soon as possible. This counseling is to help you
understand your wants and beliefs before trying to explain them to your husband.
Dear Mike,
Do you think a woman is being unfaithful in her heart if she carries a love for someone
else but is married and faithful to her husband? I love my husband but there is
someone else I have loved for a long time. That love has never gone away, and I
haven't been with this other man at all.
Yet every time I see him, I still love him.
Carrying a Torch
Dear Carrying a Torch,
Many people carry memories of a "dream person." Realize these dreams are not always
based on reality but often on "what ifs" and memories. Be careful to keep your heart/head in
reality and romanticized dreams in their place.
If you are having difficulty separating reality from romanticized thoughts, you should
spend time journaling your feelings. Review your thoughts after you write them until
you agree with what you have written. Then you will know what direction your heart
or mind is taking you. If you do not come to a comfortable set of choices, a pastor,
rabbi, or professional counselor might help sort out your feelings to help you feel less
pulled in all directions.
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