Let's Get The Facts Together
About Stepfamilies

by

Nancy Rose, M.A., L.C.D.C.

The theme that rings loud and clear in the hearts of most family members, is to get it together for the new year.  The most recent Census statistics indicate that half of American children live in settings other than a tradition nuclear family.  According to the demographic projections of the Stepfamily Association of America by the turn of the century the stepfamily will be the predominant family form in the United States.  The Association reports that 35% of children born today will live in a stepfamily sometime during their childhood.

Despite these staggeringly high numbers, many stepparents feel they are traveling solo and that they are very different from most other families.  Stepfamilies are complex and can require an extra dose of understanding and grace to survive.  It may be helpful to know that their family is well on its way to becoming the most prevalent type of family in contemporary society.

Consider the most frequently asked questions, your responses will lead to a better understanding of the paradigm switch from a nuclear family to stepfamily thinking.

          $ Is it advisable for stepparents to quickly begin to participate in the discipline of their stepchildren?  The answer is No.  The biological parent initially (during the first few years) should be the primary person who enforces the discipline.  It is advisable for the stepparent to first focus on developing a firm relationship before disciplining the children.

          $ Should you and your partner establish regular private time together away from the children, even though you feel guilty about not being fully available?  The answer is Yes.  Too frequently the couple gets lost in the shuffle of child-related issues when the well being of the family ultimately rests on the strength of the couple relationship.  It is important that the adults nourish their relationship.

          $ Do most children misbehave when they return from being with their other biological parent?  The answer is Yes.  A child's misbehavior is not necessarily indicative that anything is wrong, it gives you a hint that transition and change is difficult for them.  They must deal with different household rules and expectations, perhaps different values, separation from friends, and continued feelings of sadness and loss as they leave one parent and go to the other.

          $ Is loyalty a key factor in stepfamily relationships?  The answer is Yes.  Loyalty is an admirable quality that represents faithfulness to people and ideas.  Children are very loyal to their parents, difficulties may arise form a sense of conflicting loyalties.  Here are three ideas to minimize potential difficulties: (1) try not to put a child in a position to chose one parent over another; (2) rethink the concept of two parents to one child; (3) put in effort at establishing a cordial, working relationship between ex-spouses for the benefit of the children.

By understanding the many complex aspects inherent in stepfamiles we can develop a framework for developing a rich stepfamily life and more wisely deal with the inevitable challenges that will be encountered.  The Stepfamily Association of America phone number is (301) 823-7570 for further information on a local chapter near you for support.

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Nancy is a licensed chemical dependency counselor and a partner of Mike's firm.